Have I Missed Too Much Already?

Nearly every day I worry. I worry that I have already missed too much.

Molly was born on the 31st December 2012. My 2nd term back at University after Christmas break started on the 7th January 2013, and that’s the day I returned to my studies.

Within that first week of her being born, I barely slept, tried to recover, finished coursework, adjusted my life, and was inundated with visitors. It was so much to get my head around that this little person completely relied on me and all I wanted to do was be there and meet her every need. But I couldn’t. I didn’t have time to relax and enjoy my days with my new baby. I didn’t have time to let my body recover properly. I didn’t have time to let my hormones go back to normal and let my emotions settle. I had class and she was seven days old!

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I remember crying uncontrollably the moment I left her. I felt jealous of all those mums who got maternity leave but unfortunately University doesn’t have that! To make matters worse, I had a two hour commute ahead of me! On a good day I spent four hours travelling, and if traffic was bad it could be around six! Being in the car was the last thing I wanted after a long day but my baby was 100 miles away. Some days caused me to leave my house by 6am to make a whole day of lectures and I wouldn’t make it home until 8pm, where I would  spend a few hours with my baby, only to do the exact same the next day. Looking back, I don’t know how I survived through coursework, homework, and night feeds?!

I am so proud to say that in two and a half weeks I will have completed my maths degree! I know it is all totally worth it and gaining this qualification will benefit Molly so much in the future, but I worry I have missed out on a crucial part of her life. She is developing so rapidly and I want to be there for it all. I know I was there every night and every morning but I  want her to know I am always here for her. I hope I haven’t caused any problems with her bond towards me, and that one day she will understand.

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But it still plays on my mind that I have already missed too much.

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