Why I have felt like a lonely zombie today!

Yesterday I was tired!

Today I am really tired!!

I start my teacher training in roughly four weeks time and I thought I better get Molly sleeping through the night now because come September I will be tired enough.

She has always slept really well and I cannot complain. Since the age of about three months she has slept through the night without feeds, only waking up for her dummy. But then I had her crib right next to my bed so as soon as she woke or made a noise, I just flung myself over still asleep and gave her the dummy. This never left me tired and worked as it meant I didn’t have a screaming baby and I got lots of sleep!

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But now I had to kick the habit!

So I decided it was time to take away her dummy in the night. I figured the only reason she woke up in the night was for her dummy, so if I took it away, she wouldn’t wake up anymore!

But I went one step further, I put her in her own room *sad face*. I knew if she cried all night I wouldn’t be able to sit in my bed right next to her and bare it so I thought I would do it all at once. I even packed her crib away so I couldn’t cave in, and my bed was definitely not an option.

I must admit, I have probably chosen pretty bad timing though. Molly is going through really bad separation anxiety right now so to put her in a separate room to me must be hard on her. Plus I have been really bad and over the last few weeks or so (since D and I split) and I have let her into my bed quite a few times during the middle of the night. I know – not good!! But it was nice to have her there!! But I didn’t want her to get used to it as I noticed she much preferred my bed, so I stopped doing it.

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I knew if I didn’t sort this out now then I would be trying to train with no sleep and a grumpy baby and it just wouldn’t work. I also think, at seven months, she is plenty old enough.

So as much as I was dredding it, I put her to sleep in her own room for the very first night. She has her naps in there so it wasn’t completely unfamiliar. I did let her have her dummy to fall asleep but then I put it away. This is something I will have to crack soon too but she has really learnt that dummy time means sleep time.

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I thought I would be up all night and she would just cry and I would just cry and a little bit of me thought I may even cave in! But I didn’t. I stayed strong… ish. 

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She first woke about 3am. She didn’t cry as such, it was more of a whinge. But she whinged and whinged! Then came the crying. I sat in my room and watched her on the monitor and I was really struggling. By 4am I went in and even though I know I shouldn’t have, I picked her up and gave her a cuddle. Although it didn’t help much but once I put her down, it wasn’t long until she fell asleep. I felt like crying and found it really tough not to be there and make it all okay! I was preparing for a whole night of tears but luckily she slept through until 8am!

So I had high hopes for night number two. I hoped the amount of time she whinged would reduce and it wouldn’t be so bad.

Well it was and it wasn’t.

Last night she woke up about 4am and by 4.30am she was back asleep. Again she whinged but there was no screaming which made me feel so much better. At 5am she woke me up with some sort of talking and grunts! But I don’t think she really woke up. Although after that I just could not sleep and hated that fact I felt so far away from her. But it wasn’t for long because at 6.15am this morning she screamed the house down and decided it was time to get up!! I was tired! But I thought I cannot leave her there crying until 7am when we normally get up, so I just obeyed and went and got her bottle. From then I have tried to carry out the day with her normal routine, even feeling half-zoombie!

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I feel like I haven’t seen Molly enough now and just wanted to cuddle her all day but she just wanted to play or bounce.. another *sad face*. I didn’t expect this to be tough in that way, but it feels so lonely now. I loved having her always by my side and I hate looking over and not having her there anymore. Plus I just worry about her constantly, which I know is silly because she is just next door but to me she feels a million miles away.

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But tonight I hope I actually get some sleep! I am hoping by the end of the week we will have it all sorted but am I just being a bit optimistic?!

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