A Change in Direction
So I was suppose to start my Teacher Training two weeks ago now, but I just couldn’t do it.
I HATED the thought of being away from Molly so much. I never got to see her whilst I completed University, and summer has been a bit manic and I have been super busy, and now I just feel like I have time to spend with her that is actually quality time. I was not prepared to give this time up and let somebody else look after her more than me. I think things may have been different if I had been able to have maternity leave and spend her first nine months with her, but obviously that was not possible. I wasn’t prepared to say goodbye to the days where I watch her grow up. Teacher Training is so full on and I think people underestimate how much work it really is. My course would have earned me Masters credits so it is highly demanding. I would have had to drop Molly off to my mums/daycare by 7.15am so I could travel the 45 minutes to my school and be in the 8.15 staff meeting. Although the school day finishes at 3.00pm, I would then have meetings, the drive home and before I would have known it, it would have been 5.00pm. That would have been okay if I could then spend the rest of the night with Molly, but nope!!! Teacher training says ‘not a chance‘!! I would have to fill my time marking, lesson planning, book reviewing and of course writing assignments, so when am I suppose to see my daughter?!
The closer and closer it got to my starting date, the more and more upset I got at the thought of never seeing Molly. I just couldn’t do it.
Life would have been stressful.
I also have some hospital appointments which would have required me to take a significant number of days off of school. I didn’t want to set an unreliable image to the students of a teacher who was not always there for them.
With appointments and Molly, I wouldn’t be able to really throw myself into the job, and that’s not fair to the students. Education is so important and if I wasn’t 100% fully committed, with my mind on the job, I was worried about how this would affect my teaching, and in turn, what the quality of the student’s education would be. I wasn’t prepared to take the chance that I wouldn’t be the teacher I wanted to be and only do a half-hearted job. Teachers need to show enthusiasm for the job and bring the material to life, I didn’t think I could do that on no sleep, being at hospital, and constantly thinking of Molly.
So I made the decision, that left me with many sleepless nights, to decline my place, much to my mother’s disapproval.
But I do need a job!
That’s the other negative with teacher training, I would have needed a part time job too because student loans just don’t cover rent, bills, food, petrol and baby things! I’m not sure when I was suppose to fit that in?! Even less time with Molly, great!!
So it’s time to go in a different direction.
I know I will still be leaving Molly all day when I find a job, but at least I will be able to see her all evening and all weekend, with nothing else to think about. Being a student has meant that I have always had work to do in my free time and I would quite like to stop this now. Understandably sometimes you have to bring your work home from the office but the majority of my home time will actually be home time now, just time with my baby.
I am so scared and sometimes question my decision, but I am doing it to be with Molly and I hope I have done the right thing.
This has been one of the hardest decisions I have made, it was my career and way of proving for my daughter. Now I have to find an alternative route.
I have been applying for jobs but no luck so far.
I cannot sit at home for too long! As bad as that sounds, I need to be busy. Molly keeps me very busy but I am definitely not one that likes sitting down to much, I actually can’t stand it!! I need to be doing something all of the time!
I want a job that involves paperwork! I know i’m weird! But I like it! I would love a job in human resources/merchandising and think I could be really great at it. Anyone hiring?!
Right now I don’t mind that I am still on the job hunt, it’s giving me more days with my Molly.
How did you find going back to work and leaving your little one?