So in my last post I explained how my Nanny was very sick. Sadly she passed away at the weekend.
Everybody deals with grief in their own way and my way is to keep busy. I wrote a list straight away of all of the things that needed to be done with planning the funeral and every day I cross sections off. To me, I feel like I am doing something for my Nan so it keeps me strong knowing in some weird way I am helping her do something.
The funeral is next week so I have spent my days preparing for it and doubting most of my decisions with ‘But would she like this?’.
Grief is one of those things that never really fades, but time does help you to heal. It also makes you think a lot.
I had taken the week off work to get organised and straighten my emotions out, but I do have to return to work on Monday.
It has been very important to me to spend as much time with Molly in these last few days. She really has been my rock and she will never even know it! I can never explain the true love that I feel for Molly and I think that it is an amazing thought that many years ago somebody felt like this for my Nan.
We all know that one day we are going to die. We don’t know how or when or why, but we know it will happen. We try and prepare ourselves as much as we can. Yet when it really does happen, it’s a complete shock!
I don’t think anybody can explain death, we are always lost for words and I am starting to feel like that. A bit lost and unsettled. It’s all natural but so hard to get your head around, especially that it is so final.
I am remembering the good times and feel well that I am doing as much as I can for such a great lady. But as I tick items off my list, with my emotions detached, slowly they are creeping back in as I have less to do.
One thing is key: you must face what has happened in order to move forward. This is the scary part.
As sad as I am I am feeling well and looking at my own life and what I want from it. I am going to be making my bucket list of things to do and am determined to get them done. All the little things along with the big so I can say I made the most out of my life.
My Nanny always said ‘Things happen for a reason’. I have always been a firm believer in this.
Im not saying she passed away so I reflect on my own life, but she has given me this opportunity.
I have even written a list of local places that I wish to take Molly, and we will be going! I know writing lists doesn’t sound very much like ‘living in the moment’ but it does ensure I create moments to remember.
Gone are the days where we don’t want to go out in the rain or I worry that Molly will get sunburnt in the heat, or ‘It’s too late to do anything now as Molly goes to bed in two hours’. I need to be making sure that I do as much as I can, whilst I can, which also means Molly will get the most out of her life too – which is what I want more that anything.
We don’t know how long we have here with our loved ones so we better make the most of it whilst we can!